Thursday, November 06, 2008

Obama gets first intel brief

President-Elect Barack Obama is getting his first official intelligence briefing today, something he'd never be privy to if he'd actually had to get a security clearance. I imagine it goes something like this:

Spook: Our assessment is that Iran will have enough weapons-grade fissile material to produce as many as four low to medium yield weapons within 12 to 18 months, and that --

Obama: Uh...just a second. What's "fissile" mean again?

Spook: Fissile...capable of being split, you know, as in atoms. We think they --

Obama: Oh, so, uh, they want to split these atoms so they can, uh, share them?

Spook: (Sighs) Well, if by "sharing" them you mean "detonating" them over a densely-populated part of --

Obama: OK. I, uh, get it. I think. Go on.

Spook: Right, then. Moving on to the topic of Iraq. We believe we can commence withdrawal of combat troops when --

Obama: Alright! I knew it! (Fist bumps intel spook). Next topic!

Spook: Well, I'm not quite done expl --

Obama: No, no...I got it. Move on (chuckles).

Spook: Well, OK Mr. President-Elect. Our analysis of Russia's decision to move offensive missiles into --

Obama: Why are we still talking about Russia? That's so early 1960s. I mean, I was still crapping in my diapers then. I'm all about the future, man! Next topic.

Spook: Mr. President-Elect, I really think you should hear's pretty impor --

Obama: No, no...I, uh, got it. Next agenda item.

Spook: Right, sir. (Looks at ten more pages in briefing book) Uh, actually, that about wraps it up. Congratulations and best of luck in your new job. (Whips out Blackberry, googles one-way airfares to Australia).

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