Thursday, January 01, 2009

Predictions for 2009

For the first time ever, The Pool Bar issues its predictions for the New Year. Without further ado, our predictions for 2009.

In a massive government shake-up, the President of the United States steps down and is replaced by some guy who always thought it would be cool to be president. At the inauguration, the new president has to provide eight forms of ID and three character witnesses to convince the Supreme Court Chief Justice that his name really is Barack Obama.

After the new president does some tinkering with "that, uh, economy thingy", the Dow Jones Industrial Average tests new lows around 600 and unemployment reaches 23%. Wall Street looks something like this:

Pressed by his supporters, Obama is forced to accelerate withdrawal of troops from Iraq. The most elite and battle-hardened return to the US to start training Obama's "Civilian National Security Force". The rest are sent to Afghanistan.

With the economy in shambles and Islamist terror attacks in the US now a near-weekly occurrence, Americans become nostalgic for earlier, simpler days. Apple, sensing a market trend, introduces the iPod looks something like this:

In a hastily called press conference, President Obama announces that thanks to unspecified measures taken by his administration, the planet has been healed of the scourge of global warming, and we must never speak of this issue again.

President Obama issues a press release announcing that withdrawal of forces from Iraq is complete and that he has managed to save Iraqis from the disastrous policies of his predecessor. A departing US Marine snapped this picture of Baghdad before boarding the last helicopter on the roof of the US Embassy in Baghdad:

Major League Baseball announces that sufficient funding has been raised for the first games of the season to be played by mid-month. Fans are encouraged to bring their own lawn chairs.

Unable to afford the usual vacation, many Americans are forced to economize.

The New York Stock Exchange and the NASDAQ both stop trading indefinitely. Street corner musicianship in New York City skyrockets.

Germany concludes another successful, though somewhat toned down, Oktoberfest.

After failing to locate alternate venues, the National Football League announces there will not be a 2009 NFL season due to the Obama administration's expropriation of all football stadiums for use as "training facilities".

Citizens march on Washington, request a word with President Obama.

1 comment:

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